aging

The feelings are the same. How I handle them is different. In my last relationship I learned I wasn't nearly as "finished" with the trauma (I'm hesitating in choosing that word, though I think it's accurate) from my childhood and teen years. Small things would set me into darkness where I was sure I was only good for sex and not even good enough for that. Really bad stuff. As I'm going through it now, it's much more clear to me that it's unrelated to anyone else but me and my past.

The feelings I'm having are awful. I've had suicidal thoughts all day. I just want the pain to end, though, not my life. So, I got some cigarettes as my fuck you to the feelings and to me. It's not ideal, but it's coping. I'm powerless over this. There is nothing I can do to make myself feel better besides what I am doing. I painted earlier and that helped. If I didn't have to be a mommy, I'd paint all day probably. Maybe all night. But, I do have to be there for my daughters. That means I'm doing these dark feelings in a half-assed way, using energy to shut them up so I can pretend everything is okay for my babies. It's tiring.

What I don't want to ever do, though, is depend on someone else to make me feel better when it's like this. I'm not saying I wouldn't go to a friend to talk about how I feel and then I'd feel a little better. But it used to be I'd wrap up these feelings into the man I was with and convince myself he was the one who felt these ugly things about me. What I realized today is that even if a man in my life thought these things about me, he would be wrong. It's that "if you understand, things are just as they are, if you don't understand, things are just as they are." I'm not going to punctuate that properly because I live ON THE FUCKING EDGE. Comforting, reassuring, holding, soothing... all these things have to come from me if they are going to work on the deeper level where I need them.

This isn't so much about aging as it is about growing. Still, this really fucking sucks and I look forward to getting through it. The painting I made today is called "Through" because when I feel this bad it's as if everything is literally dark around me and there's this faint light area I'm supposed to focus on to be present in day to day living. I just need to get through the dark without doing too much damage, and when I do get through, I'll be better equipped for the next time this happens.