aging

I was going to post this on tumblr but I got into it a bit and realized it wasn't the right place for it, so, here it is:

I've had reason to think about myself now compared with myself 10-20 years ago and there are several areas where I'm still the same person I ever was. Those parts of me that formed when I was a child, that core that will always be with me. But, wow, there are some things that are different. Some great things.

I am a tiny bit annoyed with myself for being an older person who is looking back and saying, "Ah, yes, I remember that being that way..." I'm not talking about anyone in particular, although, no! I am! onmysix posted about how she still "goes home" to her mother's house (parents' house? I forget). That was the first time I really though, yeah, I remember thinking I'd always do that, too. I really did. There was nothing that could have convinced me otherwise. Certainly not some older woman who claimed she knew what was going to happen in MY life, for fuck's sake.

The best thing about these new experiences is how they are amazing reminders of a couple things. First, I am so much less annoyed with my older friends who ALL THE TIME say, "I remember when it was like that for me" and I'm all FUCK YOU YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE. Second, every time I have one of those "Oh, yeah, I remember what that was like" I quickly, almost with a Pavlovian level response, think, "That person isn't me so I really have no idea." That "do unto others" thing kicks in.

What really brought this to mind was a guy who I like (a lot) saying he likes me but isn't willing to get involved with me. Isn't able. However you want to put it. In my 20s I would have heard the "I like you" part of it and would have only focused on that. I wouldn't have heard his boundary. I fucking love personal boundaries. I like them strong and I like them clear. In the olden days of me, I would have been all, but! but! but! if... and maybe tried to explain why it'd be okay and good to get involved. It's very freeing and refreshing to hear the boundary (not available) instead of the like part. It's also nice to know in my heart that I'm not being rejected because of something he finds unpalatable or bad about me, but because he's not in a place where things would work with me. It's really a good feeling. Like, letting him go because I care (like I did with "that guy" which was excruciatingly painful, but also felt very loving) and trusting that he is the person who knows what is best for him. That feels so much better. SO much better than the days when I didn't hear people expressing their needs but instead only focused on what I thought was best.

Okay, that's what I was going to put on tumblr but instead am putting here. I wonder if people still read this blog since it's been so infrequently used.