not really, but sort of...

In the five or so years we tried to conceive our second child, I had 5 or 6 "miscarriages." I put them in quotes because 3 or so of them were so early on in my cycle it's hard to count them. My OB/Gyn says I'm supposed to, though. I'm supposed to count them as pregnancies when asked "how many times have you been pregnant."

The thing is, in the past women probably had these "miscarriages" all the time but thought they were just really funky periods. So really it's a kind of mind thing...

When we were trying to make a baby (off and on over those 5 years, not all the time) I'd spend every moment after I ovulated hoping I was pregnant. So when my period came, it was always disappointing. When I knew that something actually did happen, that fertilization happened for a brief time and implantation wasn't successful, but then... strange, I really feel like I need to say "I lost it" instead of "I got my period." That's exactly what I'm here writing about. How it's something in my mind.

The real miscarriages, the ones I easily include on my doctor's forms, were into the second month. I'd gotten positive pregnancy tests and everything. Those were very early, but also very clear. Grieving those losses seems to make sense.

When I'm reminded of those others that were more like too-early or only a little late periods, it's not as clear. I'm surprised to find those make me sad, too.

I don't want more children. If I were to find myself pregnant now, I wouldn't keep the pregnancy. I wrote about that a week or two or three ago. Reminded of those super early miscarriages I was struck by how even though I'm sure I don't want more children, it's not a simple thing. It's really not a simple thing. It suspect it could be really sad to "lose" a "pregnancy" even when it's not something I want. Knowing that even for a moment there were cells dividing in me on their way to make a little person, it makes me really sad to think of that flushing out of my system in waves of seemingly unending cramps. That was one of the things that was different, the cramping lasted for days. Normally with my period I get cramps just before the first day and I'm done.

Anyway, memories and stuff have brought up this stuff and there's one thing I'm now sure of: I will be careful about birth control the next time I have sex, even if I wish I didn't need to use a condom. I don't want to have to have the same experience of loss again.