tsaphan disclosures

aging

2011-02-16T20:21:00.000-08:00

I was going to post this on tumblr but I got into it a bit and realized it wasn't the right place for it, so, here it is:

I've had reason to think about myself now compared with myself 10-20 years ago and there are several areas where I'm still the same person I ever was. Those parts of me that formed when I was a child, that core that will always be with me. But, wow, there are some things that are different. Some great things.

I am a tiny bit annoyed with myself for being an older person who is looking back and saying, "Ah, yes, I remember that being that way..." I'm not talking about anyone in particular, although, no! I am! onmysix posted about how she still "goes home" to her mother's house (parents' house? I forget). That was the first time I really though, yeah, I remember thinking I'd always do that, too. I really did. There was nothing that could have convinced me otherwise. Certainly not some older woman who claimed she knew what was going to happen in MY life, for fuck's sake.

The best thing about these new experiences is how they are amazing reminders of a couple things. First, I am so much less annoyed with my older friends who ALL THE TIME say, "I remember when it was like that for me" and I'm all FUCK YOU YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE. Second, every time I have one of those "Oh, yeah, I remember what that was like" I quickly, almost with a Pavlovian level response, think, "That person isn't me so I really have no idea." That "do unto others" thing kicks in.

What really brought this to mind was a guy who I like (a lot) saying he likes me but isn't willing to get involved with me. Isn't able. However you want to put it. In my 20s I would have heard the "I like you" part of it and would have only focused on that. I wouldn't have heard his boundary. I fucking love personal boundaries. I like them strong and I like them clear. In the olden days of me, I would have been all, but! but! but! if... and maybe tried to explain why it'd be okay and good to get involved. It's very freeing and refreshing to hear the boundary (not available) instead of the like part. It's also nice to know in my heart that I'm not being rejected because of something he finds unpalatable or bad about me, but because he's not in a place where things would work with me. It's really a good feeling. Like, letting him go because I care (like I did with "that guy" which was excruciatingly painful, but also felt very loving) and trusting that he is the person who knows what is best for him. That feels so much better. SO much better than the days when I didn't hear people expressing their needs but instead only focused on what I thought was best.

Okay, that's what I was going to put on tumblr but instead am putting here. I wonder if people still read this blog since it's been so infrequently used.

not really, but sort of...

2011-02-10T04:41:00.000-08:00

In the five or so years we tried to conceive our second child, I had 5 or 6 "miscarriages." I put them in quotes because 3 or so of them were so early on in my cycle it's hard to count them. My OB/Gyn says I'm supposed to, though. I'm supposed to count them as pregnancies when asked "how many times have you been pregnant."

The thing is, in the past women probably had these "miscarriages" all the time but thought they were just really funky periods. So really it's a kind of mind thing...

When we were trying to make a baby (off and on over those 5 years, not all the time) I'd spend every moment after I ovulated hoping I was pregnant. So when my period came, it was always disappointing. When I knew that something actually did happen, that fertilization happened for a brief time and implantation wasn't successful, but then... strange, I really feel like I need to say "I lost it" instead of "I got my period." That's exactly what I'm here writing about. How it's something in my mind.

The real miscarriages, the ones I easily include on my doctor's forms, were into the second month. I'd gotten positive pregnancy tests and everything. Those were very early, but also very clear. Grieving those losses seems to make sense.

When I'm reminded of those others that were more like too-early or only a little late periods, it's not as clear. I'm surprised to find those make me sad, too.

I don't want more children. If I were to find myself pregnant now, I wouldn't keep the pregnancy. I wrote about that a week or two or three ago. Reminded of those super early miscarriages I was struck by how even though I'm sure I don't want more children, it's not a simple thing. It's really not a simple thing. It suspect it could be really sad to "lose" a "pregnancy" even when it's not something I want. Knowing that even for a moment there were cells dividing in me on their way to make a little person, it makes me really sad to think of that flushing out of my system in waves of seemingly unending cramps. That was one of the things that was different, the cramping lasted for days. Normally with my period I get cramps just before the first day and I'm done.

Anyway, memories and stuff have brought up this stuff and there's one thing I'm now sure of: I will be careful about birth control the next time I have sex, even if I wish I didn't need to use a condom. I don't want to have to have the same experience of loss again.

drop everything

2011-02-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

My friend asked the other day what I would think of "that guy" (previous relationship, difficult to get over) reappeared in my life. I've thought abou this a lot. Mostly, I've thought about how any potential future relationships are kind of fucked. If "that guy" were to become available, I would drop anything and everything to be with him. What kind of relationship will I have with anyone new?

I can only count on the fact that I can't predict the future. Maybe I'll get involved with someone and I'll start feeling differently. At this point, though, I can't imagine it.

One day at a time, I guess.

aging

2011-02-03T10:20:00.000-08:00

The feelings are the same. How I handle them is different. In my last relationship I learned I wasn't nearly as "finished" with the trauma (I'm hesitating in choosing that word, though I think it's accurate) from my childhood and teen years. Small things would set me into darkness where I was sure I was only good for sex and not even good enough for that. Really bad stuff. As I'm going through it now, it's much more clear to me that it's unrelated to anyone else but me and my past.

The feelings I'm having are awful. I've had suicidal thoughts all day. I just want the pain to end, though, not my life. So, I got some cigarettes as my fuck you to the feelings and to me. It's not ideal, but it's coping. I'm powerless over this. There is nothing I can do to make myself feel better besides what I am doing. I painted earlier and that helped. If I didn't have to be a mommy, I'd paint all day probably. Maybe all night. But, I do have to be there for my daughters. That means I'm doing these dark feelings in a half-assed way, using energy to shut them up so I can pretend everything is okay for my babies. It's tiring.

What I don't want to ever do, though, is depend on someone else to make me feel better when it's like this. I'm not saying I wouldn't go to a friend to talk about how I feel and then I'd feel a little better. But it used to be I'd wrap up these feelings into the man I was with and convince myself he was the one who felt these ugly things about me. What I realized today is that even if a man in my life thought these things about me, he would be wrong. It's that "if you understand, things are just as they are, if you don't understand, things are just as they are." I'm not going to punctuate that properly because I live ON THE FUCKING EDGE. Comforting, reassuring, holding, soothing... all these things have to come from me if they are going to work on the deeper level where I need them.

This isn't so much about aging as it is about growing. Still, this really fucking sucks and I look forward to getting through it. The painting I made today is called "Through" because when I feel this bad it's as if everything is literally dark around me and there's this faint light area I'm supposed to focus on to be present in day to day living. I just need to get through the dark without doing too much damage, and when I do get through, I'll be better equipped for the next time this happens.

considering a fucking dating site

2011-02-01T16:09:00.001-08:00

I'm in a fucking dark mood and it's fucking annoying as hell and swearing in this post is my mini-release while my children wait for me and I'll go and be a mother for them when if they weren't around I'd be doing all sorts of non-mother types of things and would be not feeling better but would at least be in my feelings instead of pretending everything is okay. Everything is okay, of course, but not inside me at the moment. So I'm thinking how fucking nice it would be to have a man who cares about me hold me in his arms right now and how that's never going to fucking happen if I don't go out and meet some of them. I fucking hate small talk and 9/10 dates are fucking small talk. That's not the point, of course, but, what the fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

at this moment

2011-01-19T17:26:00.000-08:00

I am blasting white noise (or pink, I think?) in through headphones so I don't hear what's going on out there. It was a bit of a mess, my sneaking in tonight. Not sure if the baby knew I was here or not. But, I wish I'd just stayed out.

STBX is a great father, but he's not very good at it, if that makes sense. What do I mean by that... well, he's helping the baby go to sleep, but he should have thought about how to help older daughter get ready, too. That is, tell her what time she needed to come up and get ready for bed if he wasn't down by that time. He should have considered both of their needs, not just the baby's. It's really hard for me to witness this kind of oversight. In the grand scheme of things, it's totally not a big deal. But it's still sad for me some.

When it comes to his parenting I have pretty much a don't ask don't tell policy. He loves them, he cares for them well, he's learning, too, how to do a lot of the things he didn't do before we split up. I hate how he has to learn from experience, though, and that experience impacts the girls.

What I think about is how it's actually ultimately good for all of them. They'll grow their own relationships (turning up the white noise because I can hear the baby crying) and they'll work out their own systems. My older daughter is unsettled, though, when I go and part of that I'm sure is because I provide really firm boundaries. I'm "the mean one" who "makes her do" whatever it is. As much as children complain about that stuff, it's what they really want. So much.

STBX has his own issues that I won't get into here, much. But what's most relevant at this moment is how... no, fuck that. He's just not great at... ugh. The children are SAFE, so that's what really matters in the end.

It would do no one any good for me to step in. I fucking hate knowing, though, that older daughter is still up on a school night (she's EXHAUSTED) and not even in pajamas, yet.

I could tell him how to do it at some other time. Like, here are the things I do to make the difficult juggle work. But that's why I'm divorcing him. He waits to be told. Always. For everything. It's exhausting and I just can't do it anymore.

We blew off our last two couples counseling appointments, both conveniently forgetting them. I'm going to book us a new one. What I try to figure out is at what point does my letting go of any feeling of responsibility for "helping" him (GAG GAG VOMIT GAG) become less important than my children's well being? I mean, if his stuff messes with the girls, I will step in. I'm just not always sure what that point is.

I really, really should have stayed out. I just wanted to fucking come home. I hate that part of this arrangement. Again, best for the girls, but not very fucking easy on me.

what I want right now

2011-01-18T21:05:00.000-08:00

Having someone here that I trusted and wanted sexually would be great. Really great. The distraction and the release of sex would be fantastic.

But what I want now more than anything is a big, strong armed man who I trust to wrap me in those arms and hold me.

Being lonely fucking sucks.

step 2

2011-01-18T21:00:00.000-08:00

Lying in bed tonight hoping the girls would finally go to sleep (it was a long night, long going to sleep process) I realized I've already done step 2 with this.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The first time I did step 2 was pretty intense. I was lying on my floor in my unfurnished apartment on an air mattress with blankets. I was terrified. I was curled up, knees to my chest. I was sure I was going insane. Really sure. I couldn't move. I've never been more afraid. Everything was so dark and I couldn't see how I could live. I thought, "God, please help me" and I sort of burst up into a sitting position. It was awesome in the truest sense of the word.

My concept of god isn't a supernatural force or any kind of sentient being. But I've experienced a power greater than myself. At that moment I suddenly and entirely knew that something was going to help me get better.

That knowing has stayed with me since then. It's part of why I know that I really am going to quit at the end of the month. I also know I could quit now, if I were willing. I'm not willing, yet. But, I'm going to be.

the full moon and loyalty

2011-01-18T18:30:00.001-08:00

Tonight I realized part of absurdly difficult challenge in letting go of the last man I was involved with was that I wanted him to never doubt how deeply I felt for him. As if my moving on were somehow an indication that it wasn't as true as it was. Of course this doesn't make sense, he knows, he knew, we knew. Whatever. He wanted me to be happy and we knew I needed to move on. I am totally certain that he would rather see me happy with someone than unhappy without. Still, it's definitely something that was holding me back.

I've also been wondering what kind of impact this previous relationship is going to have on any future relationships I have. As I shed this notion that I'm betraying him/us when I consider other men, how will I not screw up something in the future by always comparing the new man/men to what was before?

There's a whole lot of patience, acceptance, and faith involved in leaving a good and serious relationship. There's the same required (for me) when entering into one, too.

addiction

2011-01-18T15:19:00.003-08:00

There is nothing on my mind that can stay in there for more than a minute or two because I only want a cigarette and nothing else can stay there and the girls won't go to bed for at least (at best) an hour and this is really difficult fuckurucuckurucfuck

step 1

2011-01-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

1. We admitted we were powerless over ______ and that our lives had become unmanageable.

highlights

2011-01-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

found a vibrator I forgot I owned in the back of my file cabinet
found a 2/3 eaten package of salami in my laptop bag
yet another cash advance on a credit card will happen in 20 minutes
was going to shower, masturbate, do taxes but instead I'll do the cash advance and the taxes
bought another pack of cigarettes today
surprised myself last time and again this time when I, without thinking about it, flipped over that one "lucky" cigarette
going to hand deliver a copy of the estimate to the client
I really need to pee but have to get out of here to get to the bank
FUCK

a rhyme

2011-01-17T04:46:00.000-08:00

long, long day ahead

beautiful children playing over there in the bed

and all I can think about is smoking

another dump

2011-01-16T19:30:00.000-08:00

Just a list of random things, again.

Last night, for whatever reason, I accepted the offer of the photo of a guy's penis. Not sure why I said yes, but I did. It was a nice looking penis, actually. I guess I never thought of myself as having opinions since I feel like the penis on a man is part of him, so it's the him that I'm interested in. But, it was just kind of strange... I've always said "no thanks" before. I wonder how often he does that, if he regrets it, if he's glad he did. I'm not interested in him so I'm not going to ask. The Internet, sex, and people in general are fascinating.
No doubt about it, not that I had any, but I'm definitely smoking. Sundays are going to be a problem, though. I am fine with waiting a half-day or even longer, but on Sundays (from Sat at around 5 until Monday morning) I'm with the girls. I was in a pretty bad fucking mood by around 3. Not too bad, but definitely had smoking on my mind about every other three minutes. The nice thing about not being able to smoke just any old time is that on most days I'm still getting that massive "OH THANK GOD" rush of the first few inhales. I never did like getting to the point where I barely noticed it anymore, or the worst was getting to the point where I'd smoke even if it was making me feel sick to my stomach but I had to have that cigarette anyway. Today I drove into Portland and had STBX hang with the girls at the coffee shop where he was while I "went to check movie times" around the corner. Lying to the girls directly like that was a pretty low point. My plan is (ha) to quit after the end of the month. It's terribly inconvenient and it would be best to get it over with while it's still miserably fucking cold outside.
Very small things make me very, very happy. Like having a place to put the dish scrubber brush, or making stock from leftover veggies and meat/bones I keep going in a bag in the freezer.
Showing some of my drawings in Starbucks happens in two weeks. This is a holy shit, whoa kind of realization. I've actually got enough I'm content to show, but I've never done stuff like framing the things. My "theme" for all of these (for next year's "show" at the library) is frames. Found frames, leftover frames, cheapies from Goodwill. So I have frames for these pictures. I'm just a little nervous about the trimming and placing process since the pieces are all pretty textured. Fun thing to worry about, though.
If I get this new client I'll be making enough for us to start digging ourselves out of our entirely totally fucked up hole. I hope it goes well. I'm glad I didn't fuck myself over with it.
I replied to that Craig's List ad but when he replied to my reply I didn't like the way he wrote so I told him it wasn't going to work. Not that I'm particular or anything.
There were other much more potentially interesting things I was going to put here but they have all left my brain.

off/on

2011-01-16T05:58:00.000-08:00

Shutting off the computer for the day, but wanting to get just a little bit of thought out here. Last night I emailed some with the natural Dom guy I mentioned here earlier. I'm still pretty sure it's not a good match, but I'm struck by something powerful. I can't really discuss it here because of my comfort level, desire for privacy, and the absence of anonymity here. But I'll just say that talking with someone who really gets what it's like to feel a "special" or unique draw to certain kinds of power/control dynamics is such a relief to me. A simple conversation with someone who "gets it" where I don't feel like I'm crazy or weird for the things I like is so freeing. It's hard for me to not judge myself when I face how I really feel about this stuff, since it's not typical or "normal."

The strange thing is there's this other man who I just have a feeling in me that he might have these qualities, too. It's the same young guy I've been obsessing over. Talking last night with the natural Dom I realized part of why I haven't given up on the young guy is because of this gut feeling I have that I want to explore. There are these kinds of "control issues" and outward expressions of a nearly opposite desire... I don't know how to put it into words. But it's just something I feel. I have in my mind this fantasy of taking the young guy by the hand and showing him how he can take me in hand, so to speak. Or, I don't know. (Keep in mind this guy has never, ever given me any indication of his own desires one way or the other. This is just a feelings thing.)

For me, though, the contrast between having someone to talk to about D/s on a totally open level and having no one who really understands it was stark. From just some emails with this man last night, I felt grounded, tethered, etc. and all that I've been missing since I let go of the last man in my life. It felt so good.

row, row, row your boat

2011-01-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

Just saw this on tumblr and had a few quick thoughts. First, I've never listened to Modest Mouse because everyone I knew were so into them. Same with the White Stripes. That said, this song pisses me off. Know why? Because it's cheering me up.

It's now stuck in my head and as I try to stab myself with pain and misery and darkness and bleak and it keeps cheering me up and bringing me back to happy.

I suppose there are worse things in a song.

trapped

2011-01-15T12:40:00.000-08:00

Another one of these days where the girls and STBX are downstairs and I am "not here" so I need to stay in my office. It stresses me out because I don't feel like I ought to make much noise because if younger daughter realized I was here and couldn't come see me it'd be a mess for all of us.

I'm tired of myself today.

I'm feeling both really good about things and really shitty and that's pretty typical but add to it this trapped thing and it starts sliding down into blergh.

Off-balance. That's how I feel. When I start posting to tumblr or tweeting and deleting, it's a sure sign I'm off-balance. Usually I'm pretty well connected to my comfort level. Today I tweeted about wanting "to fuck" and only a few minutes later (after one guy starred the tweet) I regretted being quite so direct or crass or whatever. Even though that's how I felt. I fucking love libraries. The best are the really big and old ones. Makes me crazy just thinking about them.

Anyway, seems it'll be a long afternoon and evening for me of finding ways to restrain myself from making myself look stupid. It's when I'm fretting about "looking stupid" that I *know* things are off. Yikes.

Putting on the fucking head phones with white noise so I can try to not hear the family doings going on downstairs ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh this sucks

from tumblr, but removed

2011-01-15T07:06:00.000-08:00

Right before New Years’ in December 1999 we were in a ratty hotel in Houston with our laptops. We met online in alt.music.soulcoughing. This visit to Texas was our third time being together (I came from MN). Our first “date” was him visiting me in Minneapolis. Our second was both of us flying to DC where we both thought we might move when we could afford it.

The beginning of relationships can so often be the most blissful crazy time and ours was. We both loved so many of the same things (good food and being sedentary were high on the list). We discovered The Sopranos on HBO and watched nearly the entire season during that trip. We were together over New Years’ Eve and that was pretty amazing out among warehouses in an artsy area of Houston. It’s hard to revisit these days without blanching everything in hindsight and analysis and wondering how I didn’t see what I see now.

What got me thinking about this, funnily enough, was how often I post just text to tumblr when it’s really built for images. I started thinking about images I might want to share and I thought of this one (below). One of the things STBX and I had in common was a similar sense of humor. At some point one of us was screwing around online and we found this article in The Onion. We couldn’t get through this article because of the laughter that had us choking and unable to speak and tears gushing down my face and, Jesus, you know that kind of funny? Like, it’s just so funny it’s absolutely painful in such an amazing way. Add to that this feeling that we’d found the ultimate in safety and we’d never have to be alone again and all of this unconditional acceptance and appreciation…

To this day we refer to some of the things from the article. Hen Fap evolved into many different meaningless phrases. Our potholders either do or don’t hurt. As I’m writing this I’m trying so hard to just be in that time when we were so, so happy without suffocating the memories with the present.

We’re still friends. I love him like family is the best way to describe it. I’m hoping we’ll come to a time when we can have that kind of laughter together again. It’ll take a while, I suspect.

Isn’t it not at all surprising that this, my “posting more images” is so long long long on words? This is making me chuckle. Okay. The famous photo that started it all:

conflict, age, and knowing ourselves

2011-01-14T21:06:00.000-08:00

This is an I wrote a few weeks ago but never posted. Recent events have me thinking about this stuff again.

Earlier today I was in a huff because I saw something I didn't like. I tweeted about it and quickly deleted the tweet so the person in question wouldn't see my huff. I'm all about being direct and not afraid of confrontation, but I got to thinking about what it was like when I was younger. Then I got to thinking about the older people I know.

I've got to say that oh my fucking god I don't want to be one of those "oh, yes, I remember when..." kind of older people. I've usually hung around people 10 or more years older than me and I've heard a lot of that. I've learned to keep the initial bristle inside and listen to what the person is saying instead of feeling condescended to, but, that wasn't an easy transition to make. There are still some people who I remind them of themselves (I'm pretty sure) so they're frequently doling out advice or "that's how it was for me" kinds of wisdoms. Since I've talked so much about age lately, I want to check myself and be not condescending as I address this stuff.

Anyway, that wasn't my point. What I was thinking about was how different people are about conflict. It's certainly not an age related thing, necessarily. Though in my case it is or was. As much as I've always grown up around political debate, I also used to be a keep-the-peace person. I'd find common ground. I might make bold statements, but frequently backed off of them. That quality was truly lifted out of me or away from me in a dramatic way at some point in the last fifteen years.

We are each contained individuals. Growing up around people (and then choosing to surround myself by the same kinds of people) who had little to no personal boundaries taught me some shabby interpersonal skills. It turns out it was pretty doable to make changes. To this day, though, I don't do well with people who aren't comfortable disagreeing.

One of the most incredible gifts (oh, I need a new phrase) of this last relationship was how strongly we disagreed. The fact that we were constantly clashing in our opinions was so amazing. I felt like being me even more than before. I knew that there was this man who appreciated me but really didn't agree with me on much and I felt the same for him. Knowing that we liked each other just as we were, without making adjustments to "keep the peace" (or alter ourselves for the other person) was actually easier with all of our differences of opinion than I find people with whom I agree most of the time. That is to say I think part of the reason why I'm drawn to very opinionated men is that if they aren't afraid to just be who they are no matter what, then I can relax and just be myself, too.

It's part of who I am to default to... what is it... it's not that I adjust who I am to make the other person comfortable. But, maybe that is what it is? It certainly happened in my marriage. We agreed on almost everything, it seemed, but it turned out he mostly didn't have any comfort disagreeing about anything. Then I adjusted how I was to meet what he so clearly needed (less conflict, no disagreements) and that is what I want to always avoid in the future. I need to be with people who are self-contained, not people who bleed themselves into others around them. Standing comfortably with his own opinions and realizing that disagreeing doesn't mean disliking are two of the qualities I'm most interested in finding in some future guy-in-my-life.

Thinking back to my life before sobriety, though, and how I used to say "my drug of choice is other people's lives," I really understand that need to keep the peace. That (wrong, in my case) idea that if I disagree more than just a tiny tender bit then the relationship won't work was how I was from my teen years until late into my 20s. An old dear friend of mine still lives that way, I think, and certainly STBX does. So, again, it's not an age thing. In my case, it is. In my case, it wasn't until I experienced an intense relationship with someone who was about as different as two human beings can be that I realized how much passion and respect and self-respect and appreciation of me I could feel while involved with another person.

I like clear boundaries. I like them more than most people. I like clear boundaries so much that I will create artificial ones just to be sure the boundaries are not in question. That isn't to say I don't constantly and frequently contradict myself or change my opinions or adjust or tweak as I gather new information (feelings) because, wow, I do. But not because I need someone else to feel comfortable. That's what's changed. That's the quality I seek in others. Do they adjust themselves and their opinions to try and make me feel comfortable? This makes me more uncomfortable than any disagreement could ever make. Tell me you think my opinion is wrong, illogical, dangerous, stupid, I don't care. It's still my opinion. Hide what you really think in the name of "not making me feel bad" and I'll lose my shit.

To be finished later...

slowing down

2011-01-14T18:35:00.000-08:00

Wow. I've often thought about how if I were to stop and take notice of how I felt (physically) it'd probably be a lot worse than I realized and fuck, wow. I got into bed and it's only been a few minutes but I think I'm going to sleep. I spend so many of my days "keep going keep going keep going" because if I slow too much I'll end up collapsing.

differences

2011-01-14T16:22:00.000-08:00

when I'm in an over-blogging way, I tend to regret it pretty quickly after so I clean up traces where I can and move on...

possession

2011-01-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

when I'm in an over-blogging way, I tend to regret it pretty quickly after so I clean up traces where I can and move on...

what I can't say anywhere else

2011-01-14T14:56:00.000-08:00

when I'm in an over-blogging way, I tend to regret it pretty quickly after so I clean up traces where I can and move on...

release

2011-01-13T22:40:00.000-08:00

just going through and changing my mind about posts

now's about the time of night

2011-01-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

When I nearly lose all impulse control and start thinking it might be a good idea to do what I said I wasn't going to do. The difference in this situation is that I have no reason to believe it would benefit me in any way if I backed down from my ultra-strong position and just kind of went another way, unlike in previous situations where I knew that my absence of impulse control was enjoyed.

This post is a nearly breaking down and just doing something, but, really, it's also totally not. So, yay for me for continuing with the illusion that no one would ever believe if they have any idea about me and/or who I am.

It's so frustrating, though, when I'm in this situation where I feel in my gut that things are one way but the outward experience forces me to act as if they are not that way. Absurd has been a favorite word of mine in the last month or so and this situation that I continue injecting myself into is certainly that.

I wish I knew of something I could do here. That's the most challenging for me. There's nothing I can do. I've got to leave the situation on the curb, waiting for the bus in the cold or whatever it's going to do, even though I offered it a ride in my cozy warm car.

GAH