aging

I was going to post this on tumblr but I got into it a bit and realized it wasn't the right place for it, so, here it is:

I've had reason to think about myself now compared with myself 10-20 years ago and there are several areas where I'm still the same person I ever was. Those parts of me that formed when I was a child, that core that will always be with me. But, wow, there are some things that are different. Some great things.

I am a tiny bit annoyed with myself for being an older person who is looking back and saying, "Ah, yes, I remember that being that way..." I'm not talking about anyone in particular, although, no! I am! onmysix posted about how she still "goes home" to her mother's house (parents' house? I forget). That was the first time I really though, yeah, I remember thinking I'd always do that, too. I really did. There was nothing that could have convinced me otherwise. Certainly not some older woman who claimed she knew what was going to happen in MY life, for fuck's sake.

The best thing about these new experiences is how they are amazing reminders of a couple things. First, I am so much less annoyed with my older friends who ALL THE TIME say, "I remember when it was like that for me" and I'm all FUCK YOU YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE. Second, every time I have one of those "Oh, yeah, I remember what that was like" I quickly, almost with a Pavlovian level response, think, "That person isn't me so I really have no idea." That "do unto others" thing kicks in.

What really brought this to mind was a guy who I like (a lot) saying he likes me but isn't willing to get involved with me. Isn't able. However you want to put it. In my 20s I would have heard the "I like you" part of it and would have only focused on that. I wouldn't have heard his boundary. I fucking love personal boundaries. I like them strong and I like them clear. In the olden days of me, I would have been all, but! but! but! if... and maybe tried to explain why it'd be okay and good to get involved. It's very freeing and refreshing to hear the boundary (not available) instead of the like part. It's also nice to know in my heart that I'm not being rejected because of something he finds unpalatable or bad about me, but because he's not in a place where things would work with me. It's really a good feeling. Like, letting him go because I care (like I did with "that guy" which was excruciatingly painful, but also felt very loving) and trusting that he is the person who knows what is best for him. That feels so much better. SO much better than the days when I didn't hear people expressing their needs but instead only focused on what I thought was best.

Okay, that's what I was going to put on tumblr but instead am putting here. I wonder if people still read this blog since it's been so infrequently used.

not really, but sort of...

In the five or so years we tried to conceive our second child, I had 5 or 6 "miscarriages." I put them in quotes because 3 or so of them were so early on in my cycle it's hard to count them. My OB/Gyn says I'm supposed to, though. I'm supposed to count them as pregnancies when asked "how many times have you been pregnant."

The thing is, in the past women probably had these "miscarriages" all the time but thought they were just really funky periods. So really it's a kind of mind thing...

When we were trying to make a baby (off and on over those 5 years, not all the time) I'd spend every moment after I ovulated hoping I was pregnant. So when my period came, it was always disappointing. When I knew that something actually did happen, that fertilization happened for a brief time and implantation wasn't successful, but then... strange, I really feel like I need to say "I lost it" instead of "I got my period." That's exactly what I'm here writing about. How it's something in my mind.

The real miscarriages, the ones I easily include on my doctor's forms, were into the second month. I'd gotten positive pregnancy tests and everything. Those were very early, but also very clear. Grieving those losses seems to make sense.

When I'm reminded of those others that were more like too-early or only a little late periods, it's not as clear. I'm surprised to find those make me sad, too.

I don't want more children. If I were to find myself pregnant now, I wouldn't keep the pregnancy. I wrote about that a week or two or three ago. Reminded of those super early miscarriages I was struck by how even though I'm sure I don't want more children, it's not a simple thing. It's really not a simple thing. It suspect it could be really sad to "lose" a "pregnancy" even when it's not something I want. Knowing that even for a moment there were cells dividing in me on their way to make a little person, it makes me really sad to think of that flushing out of my system in waves of seemingly unending cramps. That was one of the things that was different, the cramping lasted for days. Normally with my period I get cramps just before the first day and I'm done.

Anyway, memories and stuff have brought up this stuff and there's one thing I'm now sure of: I will be careful about birth control the next time I have sex, even if I wish I didn't need to use a condom. I don't want to have to have the same experience of loss again.

drop everything

My friend asked the other day what I would think of "that guy" (previous relationship, difficult to get over) reappeared in my life. I've thought abou this a lot. Mostly, I've thought about how any potential future relationships are kind of fucked. If "that guy" were to become available, I would drop anything and everything to be with him. What kind of relationship will I have with anyone new?

I can only count on the fact that I can't predict the future. Maybe I'll get involved with someone and I'll start feeling differently. At this point, though, I can't imagine it.

One day at a time, I guess.

aging

The feelings are the same. How I handle them is different. In my last relationship I learned I wasn't nearly as "finished" with the trauma (I'm hesitating in choosing that word, though I think it's accurate) from my childhood and teen years. Small things would set me into darkness where I was sure I was only good for sex and not even good enough for that. Really bad stuff. As I'm going through it now, it's much more clear to me that it's unrelated to anyone else but me and my past.

The feelings I'm having are awful. I've had suicidal thoughts all day. I just want the pain to end, though, not my life. So, I got some cigarettes as my fuck you to the feelings and to me. It's not ideal, but it's coping. I'm powerless over this. There is nothing I can do to make myself feel better besides what I am doing. I painted earlier and that helped. If I didn't have to be a mommy, I'd paint all day probably. Maybe all night. But, I do have to be there for my daughters. That means I'm doing these dark feelings in a half-assed way, using energy to shut them up so I can pretend everything is okay for my babies. It's tiring.

What I don't want to ever do, though, is depend on someone else to make me feel better when it's like this. I'm not saying I wouldn't go to a friend to talk about how I feel and then I'd feel a little better. But it used to be I'd wrap up these feelings into the man I was with and convince myself he was the one who felt these ugly things about me. What I realized today is that even if a man in my life thought these things about me, he would be wrong. It's that "if you understand, things are just as they are, if you don't understand, things are just as they are." I'm not going to punctuate that properly because I live ON THE FUCKING EDGE. Comforting, reassuring, holding, soothing... all these things have to come from me if they are going to work on the deeper level where I need them.

This isn't so much about aging as it is about growing. Still, this really fucking sucks and I look forward to getting through it. The painting I made today is called "Through" because when I feel this bad it's as if everything is literally dark around me and there's this faint light area I'm supposed to focus on to be present in day to day living. I just need to get through the dark without doing too much damage, and when I do get through, I'll be better equipped for the next time this happens.

considering a fucking dating site

I'm in a fucking dark mood and it's fucking annoying as hell and swearing in this post is my mini-release while my children wait for me and I'll go and be a mother for them when if they weren't around I'd be doing all sorts of non-mother types of things and would be not feeling better but would at least be in my feelings instead of pretending everything is okay. Everything is okay, of course, but not inside me at the moment. So I'm thinking how fucking nice it would be to have a man who cares about me hold me in his arms right now and how that's never going to fucking happen if I don't go out and meet some of them. I fucking hate small talk and 9/10 dates are fucking small talk. That's not the point, of course, but, what the fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

at this moment

I am blasting white noise (or pink, I think?) in through headphones so I don't hear what's going on out there. It was a bit of a mess, my sneaking in tonight. Not sure if the baby knew I was here or not. But, I wish I'd just stayed out.

STBX is a great father, but he's not very good at it, if that makes sense. What do I mean by that... well, he's helping the baby go to sleep, but he should have thought about how to help older daughter get ready, too. That is, tell her what time she needed to come up and get ready for bed if he wasn't down by that time. He should have considered both of their needs, not just the baby's. It's really hard for me to witness this kind of oversight. In the grand scheme of things, it's totally not a big deal. But it's still sad for me some.

When it comes to his parenting I have pretty much a don't ask don't tell policy. He loves them, he cares for them well, he's learning, too, how to do a lot of the things he didn't do before we split up. I hate how he has to learn from experience, though, and that experience impacts the girls.

What I think about is how it's actually ultimately good for all of them. They'll grow their own relationships (turning up the white noise because I can hear the baby crying) and they'll work out their own systems. My older daughter is unsettled, though, when I go and part of that I'm sure is because I provide really firm boundaries. I'm "the mean one" who "makes her do" whatever it is. As much as children complain about that stuff, it's what they really want. So much.

STBX has his own issues that I won't get into here, much. But what's most relevant at this moment is how... no, fuck that. He's just not great at... ugh. The children are SAFE, so that's what really matters in the end.

It would do no one any good for me to step in. I fucking hate knowing, though, that older daughter is still up on a school night (she's EXHAUSTED) and not even in pajamas, yet.

I could tell him how to do it at some other time. Like, here are the things I do to make the difficult juggle work. But that's why I'm divorcing him. He waits to be told. Always. For everything. It's exhausting and I just can't do it anymore.

We blew off our last two couples counseling appointments, both conveniently forgetting them. I'm going to book us a new one. What I try to figure out is at what point does my letting go of any feeling of responsibility for "helping" him (GAG GAG VOMIT GAG) become less important than my children's well being? I mean, if his stuff messes with the girls, I will step in. I'm just not always sure what that point is.

I really, really should have stayed out. I just wanted to fucking come home. I hate that part of this arrangement. Again, best for the girls, but not very fucking easy on me.

what I want right now

Having someone here that I trusted and wanted sexually would be great. Really great. The distraction and the release of sex would be fantastic.

But what I want now more than anything is a big, strong armed man who I trust to wrap me in those arms and hold me.

Being lonely fucking sucks.